The holiday season is often envisioned as a time filled with shimmering lights and warm, intimate moments. However, for couples already facing difficulties, this time of year can feel overwhelmingly heavy. I’ve witnessed this struggle frequently, particularly among couples who reach out for help. December tends to amplify any existing tensions, making them feel even more pronounced.
One significant factor contributing to this issue is our expectations. Movies portray holidays filled with perfect gatherings, exquisite meals, and flawless families, all creating ideal memories. The reality is much different, often involving tight budgets, navigating complex family dynamics, unexpected memories rearing their heads, and over-packed schedules. Such high-stress scenarios are not conducive to anyone’s well-being.
You may start to question why tasks as simple as decorating or deciding which family to visit can become so overwhelming for both of you.
Yet, there is a more hopeful perspective: through open communication and establishing gentle boundaries, you can navigate this festive season without drifting apart. In fact, with some effort, you could emerge even stronger as a couple.
Consider these 6 strategies to foster connection during the holiday season:
6 Strategies for Staying Connected Through the Holidays
1. Substitute “perfect” for “good enough”
Release the idealized vision. Real-life holidays can be chaotic, and that’s completely acceptable. Together, define what “good enough” means for you this year. It could mean simpler meals, fewer outings, or a more relaxed pace. Once you stop pursuing an ideal holiday, it allows both of you to find some breathing space.
2. Foster daily moments of connection
You don’t need lengthy interactions; even ten minutes can suffice when the world is trying to pull you apart. A morning coffee, a brief post-dinner stroll, or shared quiet time at bedtime can help maintain emotional balance.
Try saying, “Can we take ten minutes tonight without any devices? I want to stay connected through everything.”
3. Establish a budget agreement
Financial pressures can escalate quickly during this time of year. Collaboratively decide on a budget for gifts, travel, and other expenses, and stick to it. Going overboard to “make the season memorable” often has the opposite effect. Instead, focus on one or two unique experiences like a local lights walk or a movie night that can strengthen your bond more than any physical gift.
Consider saying, “Let’s agree on a budget we’re both comfortable with and plan one enjoyable activity.”
4. Share the calendar responsibilities
There’s no obligation to attend every event together. Identify what activities you both want to take part in, which one of you might attend solo, and what can be skipped. Protecting your energy is essential for nurturing your relationship.
5. Create a time-out signal
Disagreements are inevitable, especially with family involvement and rising stress levels. Agree ahead of time on a way to pause discussions when emotions escalate. A few minutes away or a quiet moment later can prevent unnecessary hurt.
A gentle request can be very effective: “I care about us, and this is important. Can we step outside for a few minutes so we don’t say something regrettable?”
6. Set compassionate boundaries with family
This can be particularly challenging for many couples. Remember, you are not obligated to fulfill every expectation set by others. Establishing boundaries isn’t a rejection; rather, it’s a means of safeguarding your relationship. You can arrive late, leave early, alternate holidays, or initiate a tradition that is uniquely yours.
For example, you might say, “We’re looking forward to seeing everyone, but we’ll be there from three to six. This timeframe allows us to keep the day manageable.”
The holidays can amplify existing issues. By cultivating steadiness, engaging in honest planning, and setting affectionate limits, you can transform a stressful season into one where you support each other instead of drifting apart.
About the Author
Becky Whetstone, PhD, is a marriage and family therapist and life coach, dedicated to guiding couples through marital crises with reliability and insight. She developed the Two Month Marriage Crisis Program and authored I (Think) I Want Out: What To Do When One Of You Wants To End Your Marriage. Discover more about her work and publications here.